LONDON'S MEMBERS CLUBS

My guide to ten of the best...

“I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member”. So said Groucho Marx. Or was it Woody Allen? Or Freud? It may very well explain one’s relationship status. But, regardless, here are ten private London clubs – storied, characterful hubs for society spectating – to which you may hanker after an invitation.

ANNABEL’S

Annabel’s moved two doors down from its iconic original address and relaunched itself as an all-day all-night club with considerably more square footage than the original. The nightclub itself remains in the basement and has taken on a jungle theme, with palm trees, tropical birds and iridescent lizards. The upstairs watering-holes include the Elephant Room with its eastern-inspired F&B, and a Mexican bar-restaurant boasting Europe’s largest collection of tequilas and mezcals.

Who’s behind the door: Millennial supermodel mates Bella Hadid and Kendall Jenner, despite the ban on social media inside. Only the surviving handful of the 78 founding members were given automatic approval for membership of the new premises. Everyone else had to re-apply. You’ll find little of the old guard here today.

Do say: It’s the most beautiful club in London.

Don’t say: It’s basically Sexy Fish.

Most likely to hear: “They’re not trainers, they’re Gucci Ace’s.”

How to join: Members of the original Annabel’s do not require a proposer, but new applicants require two. The joining fee is £1,250 and annual subs £3,250. Fees are discounted for under 35s.

Address: 46 Berkeley Square, W1J 5AT

Website: annabels.co.uk

5 HERTFORD STREET

The club that triggered the Annabel’s re-do, 5 Hertford Street has proven the most exclusive London nightspot of the decade. It has the feel of a boho-chic townhouse; or rather four adjoining townhouses. You’re permitted to bring your dogs to lunch in the dining room. In the cellar, you’ll find its sultry nightclub, LouLou’s, from which boy band One Direction were once turned away for not meeting the dress code. “You’re only going in one direction, and that’s away from here,” was the doorman’s cutting remark.

Who’s behind the door: The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Sir Mick Jagger, Kate Moss, George and Amal Clooney.

Do say: It’s the only club you can imagine bringing both your grandparents and hell-raising school friends to.

Don’t say: the name Richard Caring, Hertford owner Robin Birley’s bitterest clubland rival.

Most likely to hear: “Is ‘Fizz with Liz’ still a thing?”

How to join: Invitation only. Fees are undisclosed, but reportedly it’s £1,200 to join plus £1,800 per annum.

Address: 2-5 Hertford Street, W1J 7RB

Website: 5hertfordstreet.com

CARLTON CLUB

The Carlton is the oldest Conservative club in the capital and, despite having to move house after taking a direct hit from the Luftwaffe, most of the pre-war portraits survive. The Macmillan bar and terrace were, until 15 years ago, out of bounds to women, except Margaret Thatcher who was the club’s sole female full member. The Carlton’s eponymous house cocktail is a fusion of elderflower liqueur, gin, white wine and a dash of sherry, shaken and poured into a martini glass.

Who’s behind the door: All the Conservative grandees. Leaders of the party are given honorary life membership. Both David Cameron and Theresa May joined after women members were granted full club rights.

Do say: Labour are hopeless.

Don’t say: Jim Davidson isn’t remotely funny (he’s a regular).

Most likely to hear: “Strong and stable leadership.”

How to join: Becoming a card-carrying Tory is the first place to start. Membership is by nomination and election. Annual subs are around £1,300 for full membership.

Address: 69 St James’s Street, SW1A 1PJ

Website: carltonclub.co.uk

ROYAL AUTOMOBILE CLUB

Not to be confused with the breakdown recovery service, the RAC was originally created for motor car enthusiasts and gentleman racers. Unusually, it boasts two clubhouses; London’s Pall Mall and a country pile, Woodcote Park outside Epsom. The former is considered to have the best sports facilities of any club in St James’s, including a Grecian-inspired pool in which Scarlett Johansson swam in the movie Scoop.

Who’s behind the door: King Charles III has succeeded his mother as the club’s patron. Sir Jackie Stewart is an honorary member (the British Grand Prix winner’s trophy is owned by the club, for it organised the very first race). Fashion designer Sir Paul Smith often swims there before dawn.

Do say: Lando Norris will be world champion next year.

Don’t say: You’ve never held a driving licence.

Most likely to hear: “Fire up the Panhard & Levassor, and let’s race to Brighton.”

How to join: Membership is by nomination and election. The joining fee is £3,677 for full members, with annual subs at £1,612.

Address: 89 Pall Mall, SW1Y 5HS

Website: royalautomobileclub.co.uk

REFORM CLUB

Originally established as a club for liberals in 1841, the founding members supported the Great Reform Act of 1832, hence the name. Now it’s purely a social club, but the progressive attitudes persist. It was the first ‘gentlemen’s club’ to accept women members, in 1981. And there’s an adventurous spirit; in Jules Verne’s Around the World in 80 Days, Phileas Fogg’s bet was made here.

Who’s behind the door: Members have included a handful of prime ministers (including Churchill, who resigned after a chum was blackballed), Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Sir David Attenborough.

Do say: 007 had a sword fight here with a baddie in Die Another Day.

Don’t say: Madonna was awful in that movie.

Most likely to hear: “I’ll have the Lamb Cutlets Reform.”

How to join: Membership is by nomination and election. While there are discounts for younger members, the full joining fee is £1,500 plus £1,676 annually.

Address: 104 Pall Mall, SW1Y 5EW

Website: reformclub.com

TRAVELLERS CLUB

Known as both the Foreign Office Canteen and The Spooks Club, The Travellers is Pall Mall’s oldest surviving gentlemen’s club, and a gentlemen’s club it remains. Women, while offered ‘ladies cards’ are not allowed full membership. Nevertheless, the Queen Mother was a regular presence and considered the library her favourite room in London.

Who’s behind the door: Members have included prime ministers, pretty much every foreign secretary and MI6 chief, and several noted explorers and adventurers.

Do say: You collect antique maps and you’ve signed the official secrets act.

Don’t say: May you take coffee in the Coffee Room? No, you have to go downstairs for that.

Most likely to hear: “What are we going to do about David Lammy?”

How to join: Membership is by nomination and election. The joining fee is £1,660 and subs are the same again.

Address: 106 Pall Mall, SW1Y 5EP

Website: thetravellersclub.org.uk

THE SLOANE CLUB

The Sloane Club’s principal object is to offer accommodation and dining facilities, the latter of which has been furnished by Linley. With 133 bedrooms, decorated in simple country house style and available from £150-a-night, the majority of members are out-of-towners and use the club as their London digs. It also boasts 190 affiliate clubs around the world, many in the USA.

Who’s behind the door: MPs, aristocrats, older thespians and one guitar hero. The membership enjoys a 50-50 gender split.

Do say: How beautiful the floral arrangements are.

Don’t say: It’s basically a hotel, right?

Most likely to hear: “It’s so much easier than owning a bolthole.”

How to join: Apply with two character references or a member referral and pay a joining fee of £500. There is a three-month waiting list.

Address: 52 Lower Sloane Street, SW1W 8BS

Website: sloaneclub.co.uk

CHELSEA ARTS CLUB

With its exterior decorated with a different mural every six months, to coincide with its midsummer and New Year’s party themes, this bohemian hideaway has been serving creatives for the past 133 years. The life of the club centres around the billiard table, the dining table (at which Whistler and Monet ate together) and the secluded garden.

Who’s behind the door: Ralph Steadman, Quentin Blake, Charles Dance.

Do say: This is what Chelsea used to be like, before the oligarchs moved in.

Don’t say: The Turner Prize is a joke.

Most likely to hear: “So-and-so’s muse is running around the garden in the nip again.”

How to join: Membership is by nomination and election. ‘Ordinary Members’, which comprise two-thirds of the membership, are judged to be practitioners of the plastic and graphic arts, or photographers and filmmakers. Associate membership is available to those in literary, musical and dramatic professions, or who could be considered supporters of the arts. The joining fee is £250, with annual subs between £210 and £579.

Address: 143 Old Church Street, SW3 6EB

Website: chelseaartsclub.com

BOODLES

Founded in 1762 by future prime minister Lord Shelburne and named after the head waiter, Boodles was formed in opposition to White’s. In literature, Charles Dickens made frequent mention of it, and James Bond’s club Blades is said to have been modelled on Boodles, as Ian Fleming was a member. The current membership is heavy on aristocrats and Tory donors, and remains gentlemen only.

Who’s behind the door: Julian Fellowes. Past members include Sir Winston Churchill, David Niven and John Profumo.

Do say: I’ve had some wonderful weekends at Chequers.

Don’t say: You lunched at White’s the other day.

Most likely to hear: “I’ll have the Boodles Orange Fool.”

How to join: Undisclosed. Annual subs are approximately £1,000.

Address: 28 St James’s Street, SW1A 1HJ

Website: boodles.org

WHITE’S

Benjamin Disraeli once said there are only two things an Englishman cannot command – being made a Knight of the Garter or a member of White’s. The only female to have crossed its threshold was the Queen, in 1991. This policy led David Cameron to resign from the club after becoming Leader of the Opposition, despite the fact his father had been the club chairman. He’s said to be the only member to have left of his own free will, as opposed to death or scandal.

Do say: You’d like to see the Scotch menu.

Don’t say: You’ll have game, when it’s not in season.

Most likely to hear: “That was the best bunfight since Prince Charles’ stag do.”

Who’s behind the door: The Duke of Cambridge, but not the Duchess.

How to join: New members must be vouched for by 35 signatories. The waiting list is said to be a decade long.

Address: 37 St James’s Street, SW1A 1JG

Website: N/A